Defeat

I just cant today.

Just as I was getting ready to go to sleep last night (finally feeling as though I could at 10:30 at night) I got an email from Jeff.  This is the email I have been waiting for.  Unfortunately it left me unable to sleep... yet again.

Last year we were notified that we would have to PCS (move) when Jeff returns from Korea.  We immediately appealed that decision based on what we are going through with Jeffrey right now.  It required a ton of paperwork from several sources, and letters from his doctors.   His doctors have written that continuity of care is extremely important for him right now and that it would be extremely detrimental to his mental health for us to move at this point.  Our first appeal was denied.  Apparently, the medical team at the personnel office assigned a medical team to assess our situation and they determined that continuity of care is NOT important for us.  WOW.  Ok, so basically I am hearing that this group of "medical professionals" (I use that term loosely) who doesn't know my child, our family, the history of what Jeffrey has gone through, or anything else about us, has overridden what his doctors who have worked with him for 5 years have determined.  I guess that while they know nothing, they think they know everything!

So, we consulted a commander (a neutral party) and we got stronger worded letters on his advice, and resubmitted the package for appeal.  We have been waiting on the decision for a few months now.  That decision came through last night.

DENIED. Again.

So, when Jeff returns, we have to prepare our house for sale, and put it on the market.  We have to figure out how we are supposed to move to another location with a child who has had several meltdowns over the last few days over just HEARING that we might have to move at his doctors appointment on Tuesday.  We have to figure out how the kids and I can stay here through the end of the school year while Jeff goes ahead to the new base.  We have to find a new home in the new area, and new doctors as well. Not to mention, the new school that Jeffrey will be attending, does not have to follow his IEP that we worked so hard on.  They get to do another child study, and the process begins again.  They can decide, if they want to, that he does not need an IEP like all of his previous schools and then we lose everything we worked so hard for. We are supposed to start ABA therapy, which seems pointless to me at this moment, because he will be starting on a new therapy just in time to get attached to that therapist too, and then lose them. So much to think about and do, and this is the short list.

In addition to all of that, I am losing my entire support system.  I will be in a new area, knowing nothing, with no friends or family around to help out when Jeff is inevitably deployed.... again.  Kassidie will be losing her few friends and her amazing Piano teacher.

I currently feel extremely overwhelmed, and I feel as if the weight of the world is pushing down on my shoulders and my knees are buckling.  I am strong but am I strong enough to handle all of this?

If anyone needs me, I will be in my bed, crying... again.  But at least for the moment, don't need me.  I have nothing to give right now.  Unless you are a doctors office or my child's school, I will not answer my phone today.  Sorry but I just can't.